extrospective

Update:

2009-08-19T07:30:00.001-07:00

Well, It's been a while since my last post - and lots has changed... Solveigh is 15 months and full of personality, I am no longer at Starbucks (and thus the end of the barista monologues), taught high school at St. Paul Prep for a year (lots of fun!), have been home with Solveigh all summer and am now getting ready to begin a new chapter. I'm preparing for re-entry into congregational ministry and could not be more excited about it. Nonetheless, I am confident this journey will provide plenty of fodder for extrospection. More to come soon...

new blog site

2008-05-22T23:33:00.000-07:00

I'm going to keep this address, but I thought it might be fitting with all of the recent life change to change it up a bit in the blogosphere. Therefore, I have begun a new blog and I invite you to check it out. I call it... the barista monologues. Check it out at www.baristamonologues.blogspot.com. See you there.

Todd

2008-05-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been an amazing week. Solveigh Elise Bratulich was born last Tuesday, April 29th at 8:49am right here in St. Paul, MN. I can't even begin to describe how much fun it is to be a dad! We are so grateful for the incredible support we have seen from our family and friends over this past week. Now, as the journey of parenthood begins, I am confident that the love and care that we have received from so many of you will continue on and overflow on to our beautiful daughter Solveigh. Here's a peek at the little peanut if you haven't yet got to see a picture.

on parenting... part 2

2008-02-24T10:54:00.000-08:00

JW's comment on my earlier post entitled "on parenting" is a thoughtful response to my seemingly pollyanna conception of God's activity in parenthood. I do not deny that human nature and simple biology are what have "given" Jenni and I a child, nor did I intend to imply that being "entrusted" with parenting a child has anything to do with ones fit-ness to parent. Indeed, I think a recognition of child-rearing as a very human enterprise involving choice, action and consequence is needed for parenting thoughtfully and responsibly. Yet, I do not want to lose the sense of wonder which was the impetus of my previous post. I reject the reductionist approach to life that boils everything down to cause-effectual relationships. At the same time, I also reject the too often typical, evangelical spiritualization of nearly everything (which I gather may have given rise to my critic's likening me to Chuck Swindoll). We should most certainly be carefully what we attribute to God, if not how.

Those of you who know me well know that the mere mention of blood or simply setting foot in a hospital immediately makes me queasy. Jenni has joked ad-nauseum about how I will likely need more medical attention from the doctors once we're at the hospital to give birth. Birth is a messy, bloody ordeal. I don't speak from experience of course, but I did force myself to watch a birth video last week. Yeah... queasy. At the same time, I cannot imagine a more beautiful, more miraculous, more God-given gift than life. Now, I recognize that we often take our gifts and smash them, that we are prone to act selfishly and destructively out of our own self-hatred, the consequences of which explain why my friend JW has great job security as a family therapist.

Nonetheless, I agree with JW that we have been given choices, brains, natural laws, and from a trinitarian perspective, the Holy Spirit to guide us in parenting. It is a much more layered, complex and holistic enterprise than what I had articulated in my previous post. In fact, the complexity draws me even deeper into wonder and causes me to enter fatherhood with an even greater sense of humility. I ended my previous post with a comment that the journey ahead will be one of faith and not of sight. To elaborate, I do not see faith as blind resignation, but active and imaginative. The book of Hebrews puts it like this, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the assurance of things not yet seen." Hebrews 12:1 NRSV

The journey of faith that I anticipate is one full of hope and vision. It is hopeful in that I believe that our family will create space for self-giving love, that our child(ren) will be given the grace to explore and become whole selves in the context of intimacy and community. It is full of imagination and vision in that I believe that we will find new ways of being as a family. Certainly we will bring both a healthy legacy and some unhealthy baggage from our respective families of origin, but we also have the opportunity to create or recreate what our family will become. I fully expect fatherhood to transform me, as any intimate relationship should. It will transform Jenni's and my marriage, our values, ideas and our ways of being God's beloved. I should hope that I am not simply one who seeks comfort and then likes to set up camp. Rather, I imagine, indeed I hope that parenting will be unsettling. In my experience, it is usually in the places of destabilization that transformation occurs most profoundly.

Thanks JW for inviting me to reflect more deeply on this one!

unemployed

2008-02-04T08:34:00.000-08:00

I think the last time I was unemployed was a short stretch between flippin' burgers at Buck Hill for the free season pass and my glorious career as a pizza artist at Dominoes my senior year of high school. I've been a responsible working citizen for 20 years now, well... until today at least. Yep, it all began with my first paper route delivering the southeast metro edition of the Minneapolis Star Tribune. I'll admit that I was never all that fond of waking up at 4:30am every weekend to hit the pavement on my Steve Caballero skateboard, paperboy bag slung over the shoulder, skaterbangs flapping in the wind. Yet, I couldn't resist lining my pockets with the 13 crisp greenbacks that I earned every two weeks. It's true, I was all about the Benjamins... well, actually the Washingtons.

But it didn't end there. At a mere 14 years old, still considered among many to be but a child, I joined the ranks of burger flipper at Burger King, and then on to chicken fryer and customer service representative at KFC. I climbed through the ranks fast, a rising star among fast food giants. Onward and upward I rose... camp counselor, then youth pastor, on to mission leader, even program director! But now it has all come to a crashing halt. Unemployed. Laying on my couch, posting a blog. What have I become? Who am I if I do not work?

Identity is a powerful thing. If we are not careful, we begin to believe that we are the sum of what we do. What a tragic life if that is the case. I think maybe it is good for me to be unemployed. How else would I deconstruct this idol that I have too often worshipped, call it work, call it ministry, call it what you will. Whatever you call it, it is a false identity, an idol of our own construction, and it needs to be smashed. So here's to being unemployed! Let the demolition begin!

New directions

2007-12-06T20:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I have now officially announced that after 5 1/2 years, I am going to be moving on from YouthWorks in order to pursue some new directions in my life. I'm not quite sure what this next season will hold, but Jenni and I are excited for what lies ahead. Right now the plan is to try to find something part-time while I begin to work on going back to school for my PhD. We are also looking at spending anywhere from a semester to a year overseas with Nacel (Jenni's employer) at one of their international schools. I haven't been in this kind of a place of transition for quite a while and though it is a bit scary at times, I must say that it is exhilarating to take a drastic step of faith and walk out into the unknown.

As a youth pastor and a missions leader I have talked a lot about taking steps of faith. Like so many things it is much easier said than done. I cannot imagine that these steps will be free of confusion or pain, but it is good to know that we are loved by a God who walks with us, who says to us, "Do not fear, for I am with you." So here we go, stepping out into the unknown... and yet I think, is this step really any different from any other step? I have often thought that I've known where I was headed, but in truth every day, every step, every decision is really an act of faith. And what's probably even more true is that every breath is really an act of God.

on parenting...

2007-11-15T16:21:00.000-08:00

Pretty much all the honest truth-telling there is in the world is done by children. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

In keeping with the promise of my previous post, I will try to collect here some thoughts on becoming a parent. I don't know how to adequately express the immense joy and incredible weight that I feel as I think about the prospect of parenting. Jenni and I are so grateful for the new life that is growwing in her. To think that God would entrust us to love and raise the most precious of God's creation is humbling to say the least. There is nothing like the mirror of a child to remind us of how broken we truly are. The accountability frightens me and causes me to be grateful at the same time. A little truth telling is never a bad thing though it can sting quite a bit. I look forward to this journey, for it is sure to be a journey of faith and not of sight. I only pray for mercy as Jenni and I stumble through the darkness of parenting, for I am confident that much will be revealed as we drawn out into the light which is the grace and mercy of God.

Vancouver

2007-10-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

Jenni and I are in Vancouver, BC visiting Jordan and Sarah. I don't believe that I have blogged since we found out that we are pregnant! So, I apologize if this is the first place where you are hearing the news. I will soon take some time to write about the prospect of becoming a father. In the mean time, I have about 15 minutes until Jenni and Sarah show up at Regent (where Jordan goes to school) for lunch. I had a campus visit yesterday with someone from the admissions departmentas I am inquiring about their ThM program. This morning I joined Jordan in his class entitled "Christian Education and Equipping". I was initially hoping to visit a theology class or something that I percieved to be a bit more academically rigorous being that many of my previous experiences with seminary courses in christian education is that they are predominantly focused on methodology and tend to lack in the way of theological reflection. I was pleasantly surprised by the course this morning and look forward to checking more into their concentration on "spiritual theology". I am learning that Regent has a great reputation for interdisciplinary work and a rich tradition of engaging the realm of spiritual formation. It is great to get a chance to spend some time here and get a firsthand look at the culture of the school and the city. Nonetheless, more about having a baby in my next post.

read this book!

2007-08-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Godric by Fredrick Buechner. It is quite possibly the most beautiful portrait of the spiritual life that I have ever encountered. The story brought sin and human frailty head to head with the mercy of God and left me facing the darkness of my own soul with new eyes to seek the grace of God in places that I hoped I'd never have to revisit. Usually, the ugly truth about ourselves is stuffed and suppressed and becomes the persistent source of shame that dominates us with the fear that someday, someone will find out who we really are. Godric shows us a man who knows the depths of his own depravity, but through fierce asceticism, finds his shame tested, tried and broken by the raging and tender mercy of God. This might sound like a cheesy book review, but you really need to read this book, it's that good.

House of Mercy Sermon

2007-07-23T09:26:00.000-07:00

Some of you know that I preached at the House of Mercy this past week and have asked if it will be online. Below is the link to the House of Mercy website where you can listen to my sermon and subscribe to their weekly podcast of sermons, which I highly recommend!

http://www.houseofmercy.org/content/view/310/40/

I'm not sure of it includes the scripture reading online, but I would suggest that you read it before you listen regardless. The scripture is Luke 14:15-24. I'd love to hear your feedback. Thanks!

hello again

2007-05-29T16:43:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm not quite done with the craziness of our training season at YouthWorks, but I had a few minutes and realized that I haven't posted in over a month. Last week we had staff training in Denver, Pittsburg, Birmingham and El Paso/Juarez. I was able to visit 3 of the 4. This week we have about 70 people here in Minneapolis for training as well. It has been great to connect with those who are going out to lead and serve this summer in 77 different communities across North America. We work all year to prepare for these 300+ staff to come and take the batton and run with it at each of our sites, so it is encouraging to meet those who will be doing the running and to be reminded of the beauty of God's intimate involvement in all of our stories. Being at training is almost like looking at a mosaic... meeting different people, hearing their stories, watching them form relationships amongst their teams and their region, seeing God weave together the gifts, personalities, successes and failures of each of these people to do something that none of us could venture to do on our own. As we begin this summer with huge tasks ahead of us, I'm learning more and more how impossible it really is to follow Jesus. Some of the things we are trying to do at YouthWorks are way over our heads, and yet if we could do them ourselves, they would hardly be much worth doing.

Emergent Philosophical Conversation

2007-04-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

I had the great priviledge to attend the emergent philosophical conversation in Philadelphia this week. John D. Caputo and Richard Kearney were the philosophers that led us in conversation on the topic of deconstruction and theology. Here are a few of the thoughts/questions that I walked away with:

Taking a deconstructionist approach to theology is at it's best when it chips away at the hardened crust of our institutionalized, monolithic, exclusivistic structures of "truth". It opens the possibility of generosity, inclusivity and love. It seeks not to destroy truth, but works toward truth's regeneration, reconstruction or reinvention.

What does this deconstructionist approach to theology look like practically applied? I took from the conversation a challenge to approach theological reflection with greater hermeneutical humility. This means I need to open myself to the questioning of my assumpions, opinions, even methodology. I must allow the structures of arrogance, exclusion and comfort to be torn down to create space for love to be reinvented and reimagined. I must seek not only to be heard, but to listen and be shaped by the presence and the stories of others.

How do we deconstruct youth ministry? How can those of us in youth ministry engage students in deconstructing their own culture, even the culture of the church? What idols have we created in youth ministry that need to be destroyed for something beautiful to be reborn? It is in these questions that I find much hope in deconstruction! To echo a phrase that was used this week, we need to start doing theology with a hammer and chisel!

Deutschland und Ostereich

2007-03-31T12:47:00.000-07:00

I know, there should be an umlaut over the O, but I couln't find it on my computer. Nonetheless, we just returned from our visit to Germany and Austria. Our trip began in Munich, where the weissbier und wurst flowwed like milk and honey. We spent a few days searching the streets, taking in the culture and laboring to utilize my limited German vocabulary before being recognized as American and spoken to in English. How frustrating it is to be in a place where seemingly everyone maneuvers effortlessly between multiple languages while you strain to remember the appropriate definite articles of the most basic nouns. Despite the frustration over my own limitations, we had a wonderful time in Munich!

We then rented a car, hit the autobahn and made our way to Mittersill, Austria. After a sketchy drive through heavy snow in the alps, we reached the Schloss, a castle above the town of Mittersill which serves as an international learning community focused on bringing about a new "Christian Rennaisance" in Europe. Our friends the Olivia, Patrick and Sharon Pelham have spent quite a bit of time there over the years and so we wanted to visit, experience the culture of the community and see if it is a place where we might want to spent a few months or more some day. We had a great time talking with Norm and Donna and a number of others about the community and trying to get a feel for whether it would ever be a fit for us. While we did not walk away with much clarity in regards to that question, we certainly enjoyed our stay and the opportunity to connect with others from around the world who had like hearts and minds.

Making our way from Mitersill, we continued on to Salzburg Austria, the home of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and the Sound of Music. Interestingly, the Austrians detest the Sound of Music for obvious reasons, but the American tourists eat it up as we are often infatuated with our fabricated, hollywood picture of the world. Jenni and I would have no part in it! That is, until we found out that Salzburg has it's own 24-hour Sound of Music television station. Back to back Sound of Music, it's hard to resist. Of course, we only watched it in order to empathize with the Austrians over it's deplorability.

We did on the other hand attend a Mozart concert at the Schloss Mirabell. Beautiful! The musicians could not have been more that 20 years old and were outstanding. We had hiked up to the castles above the city earlier that day, our dinner that evening was wonderful, it truly was an amazing day spent with the most incredible woman in the world! And that was really the greatest joy of the trip, to spend a full week with Jenni and explore new places together. Our time gave me a whole new excitement for what is to come as we dream about spending a year overseas.

Finally, we made our way back towards Munich, stopping in Bernau to visit the place where Jordan (Jenni's brother) studied for a few months. Just outside of Munich we got an opportunity to visit Dachau, the first Nazi concentration camp in Germany. I cannot begin to describe the thoughts and feelings that I experianced as we walked those sobering grounds. For that I shall have to write in another post. Nonetheless, we are grateful for the opportunity to make that a part of our visit. We stayed out that entire evening because our flight was early the next morning. We had a blast taking in our last night in Munich, missed our flight the next morning due to daylight savings time (which we already had 2 weeks earlier in the states), and spent the next 2 days in airports. What more could one ask for, than to share the joys and frustrations of travel with the one you love! It was truly a gift and I am so very grateful.

When we get our pictures onto the computer I'll be sure to post a few.

free coffee!

2007-03-14T16:46:00.000-07:00

Ha! I've found a way around this whole anti-consumer Lenten resolution thing. Oh, did I mention that I did after all sign up for the non-consumption pledge at my church. Well, no worries, because tomorrow from 10am-noon, Starbucks is giving away a free cup of coffee to all who enter. I realize that I've already admitted defeat in this area being that my ever-lengthening list of essentials already includes coffee, but man does this help put my conscience at ease! All this time I've been avoiding the great green consumer whore and then she goes and does something like this, so benevolent, so beautiful, so inviting...

How does she do it? Selling herself in mass commodity to any suspecting caffeine-crazed consumer who will dish out 3 dollars for a taste of her sweetness, and yet she continues to win my affections... my addiction. I feel so used. Will I ever break free from her twisted embrace? We have this codependency thing going, you see. Believe me, I've tried to end it, but I can't seem to figure out who I am without her. And even if I do find the courage to leave her, what will I do with REI? I mean, I can't not use my dividend.

carbon negative

2007-03-04T20:28:00.000-08:00

I watched an inconvenient truth tonight and I think I want to become carbon neutral. I haven't much thought of myself of a carbon dioxide producer. I mean I breathe, which I suppose produces CO2, but I don't cut down rain forests in my spare time or anything. Nonetheless, this movie was a good reminder of the fact that I am a consumer. As a consumer, I consume energy and yet, my western mindset doesn't always connect the dots between my action and its global impact, especially when multiplied by 6.5 billion people. The United States consumes somewhere around 40% of the world's natural resources and creates over 30% of the world's carbon emissions. That's a big deal, with big consequences.

I read an article in Outside magazine about how the island of Samso off the coast of Denmark has become carbon negative, meaning that they not only zero out their carbon emissions, but actually export more energy that they consume. Why can't we do that? We could plead ignorance, but think it might have more to do with the fact that right now, we just don't care. But we have to care, or at least I do. Ghandi said, "Be the change that you want to see in the world." So I guess I'll start with me. I am going to ride the bus or my bike anywhere an everywhere that I can. I am going to tell people about the beautiful wind towers that span the horizon in Kulm, North Dakota where my wife's family farms. I am going to recycle. I am going to change the light bulbs in our home and support green energy (like district energy here in St. Paul) even if it costs me more in the near future, because ultimately, destroying the earth will cost us all much more in the long run. Beyond that, I am going to continue to believe that God created this earth for us care for it, not to abuse it.

Lent

2007-02-26T15:01:00.000-08:00

I went to the first ash wednesday service of my life, I think. Or at least it's the only one I can remember ever going to. We prayed, meditated on scripture readings, got the sign of the cross marked on our foreheads in ashes, then went to a birthday party. The cake was quite good, home made, nothing but cool whip for frosting. Growwing up I wasn't much aware of the liturgical calendar. We just didn't talk about it at my church. We talked about things that were more relevant to our lives... relationships, finances, family... you know, practical stuff.

I remember that lent was the time when you could get two filet-o-fish sandwiches for 99 cents at McDonalds, and that you were supposed to give up stuff. This year at our church, we're talking alot about "economy" and how it influences us, our world, the church, our theology, etc... So they asked us to pledge to give up buying things other than the essentials. I've thought about trying to do that. I haven't quite signed up yet because I'm still weighing the reality to doing it for 40 days. Needless to say my list of essentials gets longer every day. How irrelevant, all that liturgical stuff! Self deprivation, ashes, mortality, suffering... I mean, how does that stuff affect my everyday life.

I read in my devotional book that the season of lent is a season of anticipation and hope. Hope from ashes?

Rethinking short term missions

2006-11-06T23:35:00.000-08:00

In case you are unfamiliar with short term missions (STM), it has been a fast growing phenomenon here in the United States (among many other places) for students to take a week or more to get out of their home environment and serve in another community as a form of "mission" or fleshing out of their spirituality. Whether foreign or domestic, millions of people each year commit time and money to serve God on an STM trip. Because I work for an organization that hosts such trips, I was invited be a part of a think tank this past week at the National Youth Workers Convention in Anaheim to discuss best practices for such endeavors.

All that said, I simply want to record here some of the great questions and concerns that arose from our discussion. Most of us who have taken students on STM have traditionally seen the value of STM as two-fold; the first being to serve the community to which we are going (though many may differ in motive or method of service), and the second being to develop "life change" in the students who go to serve. While many have called into question the effectiveness of our service efforts and whether the ideas "short-term" and "mission" are oxymoronical, there has seemed to remain a consensus among many youth workers that the "life change" that is produced in the students who go is worth the investment in STM. In fact, many refer to the "life change" that happens in students not only as a primary outcome, but increasingly a primary objective.

So when the life change aspect of STM was called into question in recent research, many in the STM community, including myself, started asking some tough questions. Do STM trips really create life change? What does life change look like? What are the desired outcomes from an STM, and do our current practices (both as youth workers and STM agencies) effectively engage students in spiritual formation? Do students have any more cultural intelligence (CQ - an idea brought forth in David Livermore's "Serving with Eyes Wide Open") as a result of STM? What is needed for students to integrate learning from an STM into their theology and practice of spirituality? Does STM break down cultural barriers or reinforce stereotypes? Or as my friend Eric Iverson says, can we learn how to do "missions without pimpin' the poor?"

Don't get me wrong, I love teenagers... and I love the church... and I believe that STM have and can produce valuable growth in students. Yet, I must confess that there has been a severe lack of critical thinking and strategic development of STM in youth ministry. I am encouraged that the conversation is beginning and I feel that there are many who care enough about the students who we take on STM and the communities that we serve to not allow us to be satisfied with the status quo. So let the questions come, and let us do the hard work of integrating STM into the formation of missional students and transformational faith communities.

an impossible kingdom

2006-10-14T18:54:00.000-07:00

I just keep running into these impossible words of Jesus in the Gospels. Like this scripture from Mark 10 that I'm supposed to teach on with Jr. High kids tomorrow morning, "go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." I've always thought about this as one of those non-literal things that Jesus said. How convenient for me! Jesus doesn't care about money, right? He just cares about my heart. That makes it a hell of a lot easier to follow at least.

So then Pastor Russell the other week asks, "what if it was about money?" What if I can't spiritualize it away as nice reminder to "give my all" to Jesus, whatever that means. As if I even give much of anything to Jesus. I have a hard time parting with my money, that's for sure. I like to use that on me. In fact, I can't name a whole lot of commandments that I don't break once you really get down to it. Especially if you define them like Jesus does in the sermon on the mount; if you're angry with your brother or sister you have committed murder in your heart, if you have looked at a woman or man lustfully you have committed adultery in your heart, etc...

It makes me think this whole entering the kingdom of heaven thing is pretty well, impossible. It's too bad I've spent most of my life trying to attain, or at least to appear to have attained some form or righteousness. And then you have Jesus, hangs out with hookers and drunks, crooked rich guys and homeless cripples. Says crazy stuff like, "but many who are first will be last, and the last first."

Where is the love?

2006-09-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

Reading Steve Chapman's Op-Ed article in the Chicago Tribune this morning, I am struck by the moral inconsistency of the current administration. For a President that often wraps himself in the flag and the cross (which is paradoxical in and of itself), his policy on the treatment of detainees seems not only unamerican, but antithetical to Christianity. Such inconsistencies lead my to one of two conclusions; either the current administration is so wrapped up in its own righteous indignation that it is willing to sacrifice moral character in order to establish its power and authority, or they are simply using religious rhetoric to persuade the American public into believing that their agenda has any measure of a moral foundation. Either conclusion is downright frightening. At the intersection of the cross and the flag is almost always bloodshed. We are horrified when Islamic fundamentalists blow themselves up in a crowded public square, should we not also be horrified at the fact that over 100 detainees have died in US custody in Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib and the likes?

The Bush administration has yet to learn from a rich tradition of Christians who have thoughtfully and faithfully engaged political and international crises while maintaining a moral high ground that would not compromise the most basic Christian teachings. Listen to the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., "Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time; the need for mankind to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence. Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love" (December 11, 1964). The policies set forth by the Bush administration leave me with the words of a U2 song, "I wonder where is the love, where is the love?"

the verge of a miracle

2006-06-30T19:49:00.000-07:00

The late Rich Mullins has a song called Verge of a Miracle. The song speaks of our tendency to live life blind to the great mysery that surrounds us in the presence of God. But if we would just look up, we would see, and our lives would be caught up in the Divine Mystery. Seldom do I see the mystery, but in the past few days I saw a glimpse into that life that is calling me forth, a life where the unknown is more desirable than that which is certain or safe. I have been using a book of scripture readings this year that guides me in daily reading and reflection along with the liturgical calendar, and the scripture for today spoke of miracles. Now, miracles and wonders are nice things to read about in the bible, but I don't often find myself looking for the miraculous to occur in my own life. I am one of those guys who gets a bit suspicious of anyone or anything that attempts to conjur up hyper-spiritualized explanations for what I often veiw as common occurances. I try to see the world as truly interconnected and not categorize different aspects of life into the physical, spiritual, emotional, etc... Yet they say that the longest distance on earth is the 18 inches between the head and the heart, and so I must admit that while I try to think holistically, I often still live my life with tunnel vision, unable to see the beauty and the mystery before me. But for some reason, today as I read of the miracles that Paul and the apostles experienced as they moved about in service and ministry, I was graciously made aware of a few miracles in my own life. These are not extravegant stories of supernatural events, but rather glimpses of the grace and goodness of the One who calls us forth on the journey. For instance, I was reminded of my drive to Savannah, Georgia yesterday where creation came to life before my eyes, the blue of the sky and the green of the trees breaking forth with praise. I was reminded of my conversation last night with my beloved Jenni and the joy and hope in her voice as she told me of the possible opportunities that lie ahead at her workplace, all of which are evidence of answered prayers and hope restored. I was reminded of the my own journey to Youthworks, the dissapointment of the loss of one dream and the faithfulness of God to guide me into a place of new dreams. Even tonight I called my sister and she shared with me how my nephew Cody has encountered Christ this past week while out in California away from his family. And these are just a few glimpses from the past two days! Oh if I would just look up and open my eyes to the mystery of God! Surely I would see that every day I am on the verge of a miracle.

maundy thursday

2006-04-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

I've always wondered what Maundy Thursday means. Well, I checked it out in the dictionary and the word maundy essentially mean "holy". So this is "holy" Thursday... holy in the sense that we celebrate the last supper where Jesus spent one last intimate evening with his disciples before he was put on trial and handed over to be crucified. But think for a moment of the picture of holiness that is created when you look back at this day... a rabbi washes his disciples feet, they can't believe what he is talking about, so Judas agrees to turn him over, betrayal, but Judas is not the only one, the disciples fall asleep when they are supposed to be keeping watch, Jesus knows of what is about to take place so he pleads with the Father to let it pass, the son of God subject to human anguish, fear, loneliness, an angry Peter draws his sword, violence, healing, arrest, denial... Is that what "holy" looks like? I had a different picture in mind, a nice picture where things aren't painful or messy, a more sterile picture, Jesus in a nice white robe, with light emanating from all around him, maybe some sheep, you know, softer images. But the gospel is messy. It's terribly messy and beautifully messy all at the same time. And for those of us who don't like a mess, well then holiness is not for us. But the "passion" of Christ that we refer to during holy week has nothing to do with us cleaning up our act, it's actually about entering into the mess of life and choosing love, even when it is lonely or painful and may costs us our very life.

crossing the border

2005-11-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

The light turned green and we pulled up to the gate. The border patrol guard looked in and before he had asked a single question, Emily quickly said, "U.S." I on the other hand looked at the guard, smiled and simply said, "hello." I thought it a polite thing to at least offer a greeting. He immediately smiled and with what sounded like more of a statement than a question said, "You've never crossed the border." I proceeded to explain that I had indeed crossed the border many times, but that it had been a few years. The guard responded, "Oh, she just didn't train you." He checked my ID, asked a few questions and sent us on our way. It was one of those moments where I realized just how naive I really am.

Maybe you're like me, a bit naive to what happens on the border. For instance, did you know that the city of Juarez Mexico, just across the border from El Paso, TX, "draws tens of thousands of young women from small, poor towns to take $55-a-week jobs in assembly plants, known as maquiladoras, operated by some of the wealthiest corporations in the world -- companies like General Electric, Alcoa, and DuPont," or that "more than 60 percent of maquiladora workers are women and girls, many as young as 13 or 14" (Mother Jones, June 2002). Well, I didn't know either until just this week.

On Tuesday we drove down the strip on the east side of Ciudad Juarez where many of the maquiladoras are located. As I looked out the window there were entire villages of row houses that have been built by these same corporations as housing for factory workers. There was something so sterile looking about these neighborhoods that I felt a bit uneasy as we drove by. I was trying to make sense of what they looked like and how they made me feel when I said, "They kind of look like..." and Alex finished my sentence with, "concentration camps?" He was right, there were no other words sufficient to describe what I saw. But since much of the housing in Juarez begins as squatter settlements (makeshift structures, no utilities, etc...), the newer colonias for factory workers seem to be a pretty nice option. In fact they'll even take your rent right out of your paycheck. That way, if you are a family who finds their work at the maquiladoras, you can live close to the factory (which alleviates the corporations from having to provide transportation for factory workers), live in a relatively safe and stable structure (which you will never own, but will provide your already wealthy employer with yet another revenue stream) and have your rent automatically deducted from your paycheck (which leaves your family with about $8 a week to live on)! How convenient!

I met a family this morning who recently worked in the maquiladoras but have since left to be the host family at an orphanage that one of the churches we partner with in Juarez is trying to open. We were all there to help Lupe (the maintenance worker and worship leader at the church) and his family move from the orphanage where they had been temporarily staying to their new home (which is a small addition attached to the church that Lupe is actually still working on). Even though I do not speak any Spanish and was therefore unable to communicate but through Emily and Alex, I was still humbled by the generous and joyful hospitality shown by this family. As soon as we arrived, they immediately sat us down for huevos and frijoles with fresh made tortillas and probably the hottest little peppers that I have ever eaten! They laughed with us gringos and we cautiously ate peppers that would be considered a staple at most of their meals.

After breakfast, we packed up the back of Alex's pickup truck with their belongings and made our way down the street. As I helped unload the contents of the truck into Lupe's new home, a single semi-divided room made of cement block and stucco, probably 250 square feet and still without any utilities, I wondered how on earth a family of five was going to live in this little room that barely fit the length of the bed we were carrying in. As I tried to wrap my head around the idea, I looked over and saw Lupe sweeping and moving construction materials to make room for us to unload. Immediately I knew that I had allowed my heart to rob dignity from this gentle, humble man who was making a new home for his family.

It is a strange thing to feel pity and then realize that even your pity is comprised of arrogance. But maybe that is a step toward compassion. Maybe it is a simple grace to have my naivete exposed and my arrogance revealed. Maybe all of the questions that have flooded my mind these past few days is yet another step in the journey toward knowing God's heart for the poor and oppressed. Maybe I am the one that's poor... who knows. One thing I do know is that each time I cross the border, something happens in my heart that will not allow me to return the same.

peace

2005-08-09T17:52:00.000-07:00

I have done this so infrequently that every time I sit down to enter a post, I have no idea what to write about. So I think to myself, should I write about the insanity of this fast paced society that keeps me from wrtiting? Or should I stop pointing the finger at society to expain away my own inability to develop disciplines such as posting on my blog? What is worth writing about anyways? It would be easier if I always just wrote about politics or international affairs or social justice issues, etc... Then I could at least rant about my opinions and be yet another person out there complaining about the status quo and doing little or nothing to change it. All the while the most meaningful elements of my life are the things that I often think no one would really care to read about on a blog, especially if they don't know the people involved. But who the heck reads my blog anyways?! So if today's words are not filled with deep insights and earth shattering revelations, well then... too bad. This is much closer to home, much more meaningful and to me, much more worth writing than all the articles I agree or disagree with in the editorials section of the Pioneer Press (wow... now I know I'm a St. Paul guy). Nonetheless, today, the most exciting part of my day was having an argument with my wife over sushi. O.k. to clarify, we didn't exactly argue about sushi, we just ate sushi while we argued. And it wasn't so much of an argument as it was a revealing of ourselves to one another, which, if you've done much revealing of yourself, does not always give you that peaceful, easy feeling. It's much easier to swallow my ideas, opinions and feelings in an effort to appease my wife and keep the proverbial peace. But I'm finally starting to learn that that kind of peace, is not really peace at all. That kind of peace is isolation, a let's keep everyone happy on the surface kind of peace, a peace that Jesus questioned when he said, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword." Don't get me wrong, I'm not against peace, but peace is not really peace when it forces you to hide. And among the plethora of things that these last 9 months of marriage have been teaching me, one is my own tendency to hide. It is such a dillusional temptation! I can be so fearful of disturbing the peace and being rejected by my beloved Jenni, the one who has promised her whole self to me, who knows me more than any other, who not only loves me so much, but so well, that I would hide my self from her in order to protect myself from her. What a selfish, not to mention foolish response! Why would I not rather bare myself before my beloved and risk the hurt of rejection but at the same time hope in the beauty of being known and loved even though I may not be agreed with! I can only conclude that fear has stopped me in the past and may stop me in the future. But as for today, I take joy in arguments over sushi, in the revealing of myself and my beloved, in yet another risk that did not end up in rejection, but rather intimacy.

true religion

2005-06-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

I visited with Alice on her front patio in International Falls, MN yesterday and she told me that she dosn't want a computer because every internet relationship she has ever seen has been nothing but bad news. She then proceeded to share 3 specific examples with me of disasterous internet romances. I don't blame you Alice, who needs all that trouble! Alice is 90 yrs old and thrilled that there is a group of teenagers helping her paint her house this week. She made sandwiches and lemonade spent all day talking with those students and telling them stories. As I left her house a phrase from the book of James, chapter 1 verse 27 entered my head and challenged my heart, "true religion is this, to care for orphans and widows in their need..."

Then I thought about my Grandma who passed away a few years ago. She was in a nursing home with ahlzeimers for a couple years and I think I visited her about 4 times. When I used to feel guilty about it I would remind myself that I wasn't able to get down there much because I was usually busy doing church stuff. Now as I look back, I think a lot of the church stuff we do is a waste of time.

So here's my question... Why do we spend so much time doing church? Is there anything in doing church that is actually helping us be the church?

intro

2004-10-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

extrospective? the observation of things external, the expression of things internal, the intersection of ideas and action, of faith and reason, of the public and the private, the integration of self, society, spirituality, humanity...

For some time now I've dreamt of an environment where a genuine dialogue of questions, thoughts and ideas could take place. A place where I could offer the thoughts of my everyday existence that so often remain hidden away to the table to be discussed, expanded, contrasted, critiqued, and even occasionally embraced. A place where there is freedom to express opinions and ideas and be challenged by the ideas or opinions of another. A place for well informed dialogue about things that matter both on the micro and macro levels. A place to dream, to debate, to explore and expand our worldview together. The boundary lines are intentionally broad, just about any idea is fair game so long as it is not destructive or hateful. So I invite you to post and I have great hope that as you do, you will further open my mind and soften my heart. I only pray that my every post does the same for you.